Grilling out with the family is supposed to be a relaxing and pleasant experience. And of course I enjoy the time spent together even if I can feel the anxiety creeping up on me like a predator. I cooked the burgers and dogs while sweating my butt off over the grill and it all came out great and my mom, wife and myself all enjoyed them and got stuffed. Yet in my chest I could feel the uneasiness shaking and the downey mood cloud enveloping me.
By all means we had a great day. We went to the local 4th of July parade that my wife has always wanted to go to but Ive always been too lazy to get up for. I finished putting parts that i ordered onto the car and we went and got a delicious cake for dessert. I felt mostly okay during all of this but Im sure my Klonopin had a good bit to do with that. Ive taken a few since yesterday and while they seem to help it just brings up my worries about getting addicted to them and building a tolerance to them. My recent discovery and experimentation with CBD products has been a bit hit and miss. It seems to help but if my anxiety gets heightened enough either its not as effective or Im not taking enough.
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Two posts in one night after not posting for a while may be a bit absurd but this remains one of the few outlets I have for the craziness that goes on inside my head. Tonight a familiar story took place. My anxiety welled up inside of me until in quickly spiraled down into depression and ended up with me crying like a baby and talking to my beautiful and understanding wife, whom i apologized to for keeping her up when she has to go to work early. I find it interesting that the release of crying does seem to make me feel somewhat better even if it doesn't last. There may be an actual scientific reason for this but i do like to picture it as an air tank being filled with pressure til it almost explodes and then springing a leak and the pressure being drained out. Im sure if the tank could talk it would tell you it felt better afterwards.
The build up to the crying definitely sucks though and even though its something im familiar with i don't think its something i could ever get used to. The obsessive negative thoughts that trigger the anxiety are like an annoying nat that you just cant swat that keeps flying into your face over and over. All the thoughts about losing everyone and everything i know and love eventually and the overwhelming mind boggling existential thoughts that no good can come of thinking about. The thoughts that i may never get to have a child and feeling like im letting my bloodline down as cliche as it sounds. The finite nature of life terrifies me, but so to does the idea of infinite life. Its all so mind boggling and I try to block the thoughts out with varying degrees of success. But when they are strong enough and persistent enough like tonight i end up spiraling from anxiety to depression and crying my tear ducts dry as i wait for my klonopin to kick in. This reality cant be all there is. I don't post here often most of the time because, to be completely honest, I don't think about it most of the time when I'm not anxious. I suppose that is a good thing though. Unfortunately I have a tendency to get anxious during the summer break from work as I've learned, I'm assuming because the down time leaves me with too much time for thoughts I don't want in my head. I sit here tonight typing this and while I'm not freaking out and having a panic attack, my anxiety level is definitely heightened and the uneasy feeling in my chest is present like an annoying bug that just won't go away.
I find I'm always looking for ways to help my anxiety even when I'm not having issues with it. Recently I have tried CBD oil and to be honest I don't know how much it works, I feel that it does somewhat but I don't know that i could be a replacement for my klonopin. The idea of taking klonopin has always made me uneasy because of it being an potentially addictive narcotic. It definitely works when needed though. I have my essential oil diffuser next to me now with my "Worry Free" essential oil mix. I don't know if it's doing anything to help my anxious state other than smelling good. Truth be told other than my prescribed medicines I never really know how much or if something is working for me when I'm trying to battle my anxiety monster back into it's cave. I figure if it doesn't hurt and might help though I usually am up for trying it. Tonight though I may need to give in and take a klonopin and lie down. Sometimes that is the only true answer. I remember my first experience losing a relative. It was my grandma when I was around 7 or so. I was too young to really comprehend what was going on and my memories of my grandmother tend to be vague now. Them when I was in middle school I remember our family getting a call late at night saying that my cousin had been in a motorcycle accident. I remember the time spent at the hospital after the doctors assurances that there was no brain activity and a recovery wouldn’t happen. I remember the emotional anguish that my family felt while hoping and praying for a miracle. I remember the conversation I had with my brother that went from me hoping for a miracle and really thinking that was possible because I could see what it was doing to everybody around me. Then the conversation changing to how he wasn’t even there anymore, that he was already in heaven looking down at us. Then I remember holding hands in a circle outside of the ICU and the family praying while they took him off life support and the ensuing emotional torment my aunt experienced for a long time that I don’t even know if she has gotten fully past to this day. I was old enough to comprehend what happened but I don’t know if I was old enough to fully deal with it mentally or emotionally. I didn’t see my cousin a lot before that so maybe I was somewhat emotionally detached from the situation but seeing my families emotional anguish made me feel bad by itself.
Then I remember the fall day that we sat in the car with my mom as she told us that my father had gotten diagnosed with pancreatic cancer. She told us that “whatever he wants, he gets” which should have been my first clue that things were bad. The two months that followed were a blur of me hiding in my room playing World of Warcraft trying to isolate myself from it all. I still saw and watched as he withered like a neglected flower. Two months and I remember my brother telling me that they were taking my father to a hospice, as my brother put it, “the place people go to die”. Even then though I hoped for a miraculous turn around. I still have images burned into my mind from what I saw in the short time he was in that place. I also remember my brother, I and our close friends going home to get some sleep after spending all night waiting for what I prayed would be averted against all logic. And then him passing away before we had gotten back and feeling guilty because we weren’t there. I still have nightmares about it all and so much self loathing and so many regrets from it all as well. I was old enough to comprehend and understand it all but tried to emotionally distance myself I think because I never felt the way I feel like I should feel during it all. Now more recently we lost my aunt suddenly. I remember getting the phone call and going to the hospital where I was greeted by my brother. He told me that she was already gone, that they couldn’t revive her. While we were at the hospital the emotional vibe was weird. I think everybody was more stunned than sad. Of course her service was another story and was rough to sit through and see my aunts, uncles , cousins and my mom all in such emotional anguish. All these experiences I feel have helped mold my severe anxiety over death, especially with losing my father. I find myself thinking about him and referencing the experience of losing him when I am in an anxious state. I don’t know how or if ill get past it and deal with it emotionally but it hurts to think about as much if not more than it did when we were going through it all and it has forever built and reinforced fears into me that torment me regularly. You ever feel stuck? Its funny because in truth Im in a far better place now than I was not very long ago. Just holding down a job with insurance for my whole family puts all of us in a better position than we were. We dont financially struggle as much as we used to and we are happier in our relationship as far as I can tell. And yet I feel stuck because I feel like I want to do something else but any other job I find even if the pay is better they either dont offer insurance or their insurance isnt near as good. I do what I need to do and go to work and make what money I can doing it but it never really feels fulfilling.
That accompanies all my other insecurities that I fight in my head as well. Ive been fat almost my whole life and I keep saying Im going to change my eating habits and start fresh and lose weight but it doesnt happen. My self control with my diet feels nonexistent. Even the times ive done better for a while and lost some weight I end up right back where i started. I cant look at myself in the mirror without feeling ashamed and never feel comfortable in my own skin. Not to mention for somebody who has a lot of anxiety about death, me being like this is sure not helping things. I know unhealthy food and sodas are an addiction but I never really realized the extent until i really reflected on it all. Also going back into my teenage years really hurts. I always acted cool and like I was something i wasnt but in truth i was always insecure and was always shy. I never had a real girlfriend, even if a female showed interest in me i wouldnt have picked up on it because id never have believed itd be possible. I feel like I missed out on so much back then because of my insecurities and laziness. It really hurts my heart to think about. Of course I sit here and type all of this and recognize all of this yet I sit here not much different and feel stuck in a hamster wheel. It makes me resent myself more than anything. I think back to when I was young and ignorant. When I was little and all I wanted to do was play. I didn't even need another kid, my imagination and some green army men could entertain me forever. I remember as my imagination slowly started to get to where I couldn't have fun playing the same games I used to. They just didn't interest me anymore. But still all my thoughts of life and the future were so full of blind hope and optimisim like most young kids. I never had any inkling of the lie kids have in their mind about growing up until reality slaps you in the face at some point.
Then when I was a bit older, all the times I took for granted with my father too caught up in my stupid teenage issues blind to the fact that in a few years he'd be gone. Even while living through the loss as he faded away from the horrible disease, still not able to feel the emotions I thought I should be feeling and not able to process what was happening. Even now years later, I still haven't processed it and still have nightmares about it too often. I struggle with the idea of wanting to have a child to further my bloodline yet feeling bad for doing so because I feel like I'd be bringing a child into a bleak reality for them to go through the same mental anguish I have went through after their initial childhood innocence and ignorance. But maybe they would love life and be full of optimisim despite all of that, maybe I'm just broken mentally, I don't know. I feel like recently I've either been up or down in mood, but not in the traditional way. My ups have been anxiety and feeling shaky inside and my downs have been feeling depressed and feeling the urge to cry and just feeling and being, as my wife puts it, "downy". It feels like only with the Klonopin can I feel somewhat at ease, which is fine I guess because that's what it is for but I always worry about getting dependent on meds like it. I'm going to make an appointment with a therapist/counselor and see where that goes, hopefully it'll help. I definitely don't like feeling "downy" all the time and feel bad for being that way around my wife and daughter even though it's not intentional. I'm at least thankful that I've still been getting some things done that I needed to get done and making appointments I needed to make. Also I already picked up my school bus that I'll be using this school year and was excited about it a bit because it's a different model with some upgraded features over my previous one. Unfortunately though when I feel like I have recently, it makes it hard to focus on anything positive without negative thoughts and feelings taking over. I do tend to feel better while around and talking to my wife which is nice, but makes throughout the day while she is at work hard. I love my daughter too and love being with her, it's just a bit different because I don't feel I can discuss things freely as much with her. For now though I'm just going to keep trying to take everything one day at a time, because I feel like that's the best thing to do at the moment.
Oh how I wish my mind had a mute button. All day, every day recently I feel like Ive had to constantly battle my own thoughts. I must look crazy to people who see me out in public closing my eyes and shaking my head as if Im trying to shake the thoughts out of my mind. I feel like I have some weird version of bi-polar disorder recently where my highs are just feeling anxious and my lows are feeling like I want to break down crying constantly.
I was sitting at my computer earlier playing a game and didnt realize my wife had noticed me looking at the clock constantly. I have been doing it obsessively the past few days, just watching the clock tick away minutes and hours. I felt kind of awkward at her pointing it out but Im sure it looks odd to see somebody constantly checking the clock. I took a shower this evening and while doing so the whole time I was thinking, "Well if Im lucky enough to live to at least 81, then I have two more life times ahead of me (counting a life time as the time Ive been alive so far)". Then I was thinking and trying to decide if that 'feels' like a long time or not. Also whether the first school year of my job went by fast or not, trying to gauge how fast years are going to go by. These thoughts are intrusive, obsessive and are just down right annoying. The only things that seem to help keep me somewhat okay are talking and being with my wife and daughter, playing games on the PC and taking a Klonopin and going to sleep. Although there is always much anxiety leading up to going to bed. I used to always say I never understood how people could kill themselves. Its such a drastic, irreversible action. That and my complete fear of dying just made it to where I couldnt fathom why someone would do that. I still dont know that I could do that myself, but Ive been to some dark places mentally and can almost understand why and how someone could feel so hopeless and empty that they just wanted it to end. Anxiety and depression can get overwhelming easily, and living in a near constant state of either orbboth Sitting here next to my wife in bed after midnight holding back tears and trying to keep a lid on the anxiety that is swirling within me. I don't want to wake her up because she has to get up for work, but I always feel so alone when I feel like this. For a long while I was doing better and thought I had these fears and intrusive thoughts at least somewhat under control. But these dark thoughts of the passage of time, of dying, of losing people I love and other similar things have being weighing heavily on my mind again recently. I keep getting thoughts and images of myself in my head, where I'm old and frail and looking back on my life and thinking that it went by too fast. And the post I read on the internet sometime ago that said something along the lines of, "With the same conscious mind I sit here with currently, I will one day experience the last moments of my life, my last breath as I slip into nothingness. All I am, my emotions, personality, everything that makes me.. me, gone forever. Only to be forgotten about as if I never existed at some point after that".
All of the intrusive thoughts about these things boggle my mind and terrify me. I tend to want to analyze things and wrap my head around them to help understand, but these things don't allow that, they just end up making me break down. I feel like instead I'm just trying to procrastinate and push the dark thoughts and emotions away only to have them lurk in the shadows waiting to re-emerge. But really, what is the alternative to it all? To live forever? That is terrifying in it's own way. There is no answer that I can see to these fears, but I don't guess that I'm really looking for one either. I Just feel like I'm on a train that is speeding towards an unfinished bridge with no way to escape. I feel trapped. A large part of me has and still wants to have a child to continue my "family legacy" but another part of me feels bad at the thought of bringing a life into what seems like such a cruel reality. I try to remind myself of the good and beautiful in the world to fight all the negativeness swirling in my mind and sometimes it helps but other times it's a struggle. At 26, I guess I am young but these thoughts and emotions cause me to feel old already, like I'm sliding downhill into the abyss before I've even had a chance to do anything with my life. I try to fight it, because all it does is not allow me to enjoy my day to day life, and if there is anything positive in what often seems like a cruel reality it is my family and the couple of friends I do have and the things I do with them day to day, no matter how mundane. If I could get my hands on a time control device and slow it all down that'd be the dream reality. Not to live forever, just a really long time. Of course even if that came true, I still feel the thoughts and fears would still be there. Well it feels like the klonopin has kicked in because I don't feel quite as on edge and have suddenly gotten more tired so hopefully I can finally sleep. If you are reading this, I hope you are doing well and maintaining your sanity as best as you can. Haven't posted in a quite a while. I have a habit with blogging/writing down things when I'm feeling crappy with anxiety and/or depression, that when I get to feeling better, I tend to stop writing. Just for the simple fact that I'm not thinking and dwelling on things that I feel the need to get out of my head and write down. I guess that's a good thing but I always feel kinda bad when I realize it's been so long. I'm on summer break from work now, so I've officially driven the bus for a whole school year, which is something I honestly didn't know if I was capable of at the start of it. It definitely has had it's ups and downs, but even with the stress and negative aspects of it, I still like it a lot better than some other things I could be doing for work. It's nice having insurance for sure as I've been reminded with having some doctors appointments with a specialist for my wife. Much nicer paying the copay then trying to find 100+ dollars for every appointment. I've been going to Emotions Anonymous meetings for a while now as well and I don't know if they help my anxiety or depression especially considering I haven't had either horribly for a while, but I love going and listening to and talking with the other people who come to the group. I guess everything has been going pretty good for a while for me mental health wise. Last night and today I've had a tinge of anxiety because of a stupid depressing reddit post I read last night. Which is pretty dumb on my end because I know better and I don't know why I clicked on it and read through it anyways. Of course now I'm just fighting a bit mentally to keep negative thoughts out and stay cool. Of course it doesn't help with me being off of work for summer break at the moment so I don't have as much occupying my time. Nevertheless though, I'm going to do what I can to keep it under control.
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