I remember a while back, I believe it was around a year ago, I was with my mom at one of her doctor's appointments. I honestly don't even remember what kind of doctor it was. I do remember this young guy though. He was in a wheelchair and what seemed like his whole family was with him. He was visibly upset, and kept breaking down crying off and on. I don't know why he was there, what was wrong with him, or any details like that. He is burned into my mind though because I stood there watching him cry and felt bad, because I had no idea what his situation was but hated to see him like that. I think back on it a lot and picture myself as him, in that wheelchair, scared and crying. Some people feeling bad for me, some people just wishing I'd shut up. It makes me feel so insignificant. I mean I felt bad for the guy, but I don't know his name, I don't know where he is now or if something horrible was wrong with him. There are billions of people on this planet, with their own problems and own fears. I feel like that should give me some comfort knowing I'm not alone in my experiences, but it just makes me feel so small and reinforces my 'time is too fast and nothing really matters' fears.
I get so many pent up emotions from negative thinking that I just break down crying. A lot of my past anxiety has been over things that were completely untrue and made up in my mind. These new fears my anxiety has latched on to feel so much worse because they are grounded in reality. Picturing me holding my wife's hand as she is sick and slipping away when we are old, or vice versa. I feel that it should make me happy at the thought of living to old age together and having a long happy marriage but the unavoidable end feels so close because of how I've been perceiving time and it terrifies me. I mean really though, what's the alternative, that we live for eternity? That is just as scary to me funnily enough. I feel like these fears are literally too much for me to wrap my mind around, because there is no real 'good' answer to sooth them, so they just cause me to break down. I picture watching my father waste away in pain and not mentally there because of the drugs he was on, and I picture myself as him and it terrifies me. I know I have no knowledge how or when I or anybody I love will die and that is scary as well but my mind obsesses over these thoughts when I'm feeling anxious or depressed. I try to keep it to myself and just write it here because I don't want to be a burden to my loved ones and cause them distress just because I feel like crap. I love them so much and don't like thinking so negatively about them. I wish I could live in ignorance of the future and reality a lot, because then at least I'd be somewhat happier.
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Have been feeling pretty crappy since yesterday with a sore throat, aches, fever and some other crappy feelings. I missed work this morning but plan on going back this afternoon as I don't want to miss more than I need to. A wave of depression hit me after getting up earlier and I found myself fighting back tears and negative thoughts. I guess it's because I feel crappy but I feel like it doesn't take much to get me to that point. Ive been thinking about starting to go to Emotions Anonymous meetings every Wednesday as it's been recommended to me before. It's pretty much AA for things like anxiety and depression. I'm tired of feeling afraid and weak because of things going on in my head. The nagging negativity about how "life is pointless cause we are all doomed" and obsessing about time passing to where I can't keep it out of my head. I see all these other people on this anxiety forum worrying about having or getting horrible diseases and they say, "My family doesn't have a history of cancer so that's good." Kinda makes me feel like crap at the thought that my family seems to have a big history of it making me feel like I'm screwed in that regard. Especially when my father died to it when he was only in his 60s which is still not really old. All of this unrelenting negativity in my head makes me understand a bit why people spend their lives drinking or doing drugs.
Well most of my posts here have been pretty negative, but obviously that's because usually when I post I'm feeling negative. But hey, I figured I'd be positive today! For somebody who's OCD has chosen to latch on to time passing and other existential type anxiety, I feel as though I don't stop enough to appreciate simply still being here and waking up every day. I do, but I don't actually stop and think, "I'm lucky just to be breathing right now." I'm blessed that my family is still here with me as well. I see these tragic things on the news everyday and I try to at least make me appreciate what I do have. It doesn't always help my anxiety but sometimes it does. I also like to think about the amazing scientific, medical and other discoveries and breakthroughs that are going to happen in my lifetime. It gives me a bit of hope for a brighter future and can help ease some of my anxiety. Even though my job can leave me stressed and frustrated sometimes, I try to stop and appreciate it for both having insurance and money but also having it as a distraction. If I was to sit at home all the time like I used to, I know my anxiety and depression would be worse because that's all I would have to focus on. I try to be proud of myself for turning my life around in a way these past months. I do have to laugh kinda how crazy it is to me that when I'm going through the present moment, a lot of the times days and weeks drag by especially like the past couple work days where I was super busy. But then after they are over like now, it almost feels like they went by fast. Humans perception of time is kind of odd. I try to remind myself that humans aren't great and perceiving the passing of time and try to remind myself it's stupid to focus on. Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn't. But I know one thing for sure, I'm not going to just give in to my anxiety and depression, I'm going to fight it.
Consider this my manifesto
I've got things I've been holding in that I need to let go I'm terrified to die I feel like I'm stuck in fast forward watching time go by I'm terrified of dying yet I've contemplated putting a bullet through my brain It makes no sense but I was just looking for a way to take away the mental pain Moments of calm only last so long Then I feel the anxiety coming on How can people live like this Being at constant battle with emotional anguish Everybody says to just live one day at a time It sounds real nice but I can't focus on now with the end consuming my mind To make things worse I'm paranoid about those close to me Growing up this wasn't how I thought life was supposed to be I spend so much energy just trying to maintain my sanity Just hoping there's something better on the other side of this anxiety The anxiety before going back to work after a break is pretty normal, par for the course type stuff for me. I found myself fighting back tears last night while lying in bed though. It doesn't usually get to that point and I hate feeling like that. I was lying there with a ton of different thoughts running through my head. I feel like it was triggered by reading a depressing couple of posts on Reddit, which is silly to me, but that's the only reason I can see that I got like that. The whole 'time going by too fast' thing has never really went away but I've been able to block out obsessive thoughts about it better with the meds I am on. Of course that was only part of my thinking last night.
I delved into some self loathing type thoughts as well. About how I'm fat and feel completely unhealthy, and for somebody who worries about time going by too fast and not living long enough or whatever, then I'm certainly not helping my case by being overweight. You see a good many 90-100 year olds around, but none of them are fat that I've seen. Of course I'm trying to stop drinking soda and make better eating choices, but I am also having to work on my self control. I have a tendency to give up and just eat whatever if I'm feeling down. On top of that I am paranoid about people close to me. I guess you could call them trust issues. I worry about whats going on in their head and how they feel about me, and if they are truthful with me. I don't verbalize it of course because I don't want to create stress and drama, so I keep it to myself. I try to live in the moment but find it challenging sometimes, always worried about things ending. Always worried about losing people I love and care about. I feel like I'm on board of a ride I don't want to be on but don't want to get off of at the same time. I wish I didn't have to fight to find enjoyment in my day to day life. Just coming off of a 5 day break from work due to President's Day and a couple teacher work days. It's funny to me how breaks always seem to go by so fast when you are at the end of them yet I look back at Thursday when I dropped my kids off that afternoon and it seems like a while ago. I remember reading somewhere that humans have bad perception of the passing of time, maybe that has something to do with it. I always get anxious the day before going back to work after a break of any kind. Not quite sure why, but it is pretty annoying. But like Dory said, "Just keep swimming!". That's about all you can do when you are being bombarded by mental and emotional pain, just keep moving forward. Thankfully my anxiety has been a lot better controlled with the medicine I am currently taking, with only brief periods of anxiety like the "going back to work" anxiety I just mentioned. I'm just thankful it's not daily and constant like it has been before. That has a way of breaking you down to almost nothing mentally. I do hope anybody reading this is doing well though and if you are fighting an invisible (to others) battle then keep fighting, and if you need somebody to talk to, I'll always be there.
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