It's been quite a while since I've posted here and I had the urge so I figured why not. I've been working for the county/schools for what feels like quite a while now. It's definitely the longest, most steady job I've had. We have insurance including health, dental and vision now which is a huge plus. I've been taking field trips when I can get them to get extra money as well which helps out. We had a big Thanksgiving dinner together last week with my mother and brother which was nice because last year my mother was in the hospital on Thanksgiving. The weekends off, and various school breaks which mean work breaks for me are nice as well. I went to the psychiatrist office that I found recently as well and she adjusted my med dosages and prescribed me something to take as needed for sleeping. I feel like things are going pretty well, yet since yesterday afternoon I have felt the anxiety and worried thoughts creep back into the light a bit and it's bothering me. I have had coughing/congestion sinus and/or allergy issues for a couple weeks now and it's been quite annoying but my wife and I both have physical appts. soon so I was going to bring it up to my doctor when I see her if it still hasn't gotten better. Before that it was a smallish lump in my neck that I thought was a lymph node which still hasn't gone away but hasn't gotten any bigger/harder either so I didn't feel too worried about it, I was just planning on bringing it up to my doctor at the physical. I definitely had a bit of a rough morning today because I was up a lot last night coughing so I didn't sleep much. Of course all the coughing, lack of sleep, and what not still pale in comparison to the first hint of anxiety I felt come on. I'd rather cough my head off than deal with obsessive thoughts and anxiety/depression.
I layed in bed last night fighting with my mind on whether last new years when my wife and I went to a grill & bar place felt like a year ago. Yet the beginning of the school year when I first started and was being trained by one of our lead drivers feels like forever ago but was only a few months ago. Trying to recall how long ago something feels is pretty annoying and pretty pointless yet it never ceases to cause me much anxiety. The thoughts of the shortness/fleetingness of life and negative "whats the point, nothing even matters, I'll just be forgotten after I die (which feels soon btw)" type thoughts start creeping in. It makes it quite hard to live in the moment and find inner peace/calm of any sort with those type of thoughts in my head and the anxiety that they cause. I try to push them and out of my mind, but it is definitely not an easy feat. I do feel that I appreciate my job with this though as it gives me something to do and focus on other than stupid thoughts and anxiety. Just seeing my kids every day and how happy and absorbed in the "ignorance of childhood" they are makes me happy for them. It almost makes me wish I could go back to those years, but I love a lot of the things I have now and don't want to discount their worth to me. Well I guess it's time to eat and wind down for the night, but I wanted to post something first. I hope whoever reads this is doing well and I thank you for caring enough to read it.
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