I feel like recently I've either been up or down in mood, but not in the traditional way. My ups have been anxiety and feeling shaky inside and my downs have been feeling depressed and feeling the urge to cry and just feeling and being, as my wife puts it, "downy". It feels like only with the Klonopin can I feel somewhat at ease, which is fine I guess because that's what it is for but I always worry about getting dependent on meds like it. I'm going to make an appointment with a therapist/counselor and see where that goes, hopefully it'll help. I definitely don't like feeling "downy" all the time and feel bad for being that way around my wife and daughter even though it's not intentional. I'm at least thankful that I've still been getting some things done that I needed to get done and making appointments I needed to make. Also I already picked up my school bus that I'll be using this school year and was excited about it a bit because it's a different model with some upgraded features over my previous one. Unfortunately though when I feel like I have recently, it makes it hard to focus on anything positive without negative thoughts and feelings taking over. I do tend to feel better while around and talking to my wife which is nice, but makes throughout the day while she is at work hard. I love my daughter too and love being with her, it's just a bit different because I don't feel I can discuss things freely as much with her. For now though I'm just going to keep trying to take everything one day at a time, because I feel like that's the best thing to do at the moment.
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Oh how I wish my mind had a mute button. All day, every day recently I feel like Ive had to constantly battle my own thoughts. I must look crazy to people who see me out in public closing my eyes and shaking my head as if Im trying to shake the thoughts out of my mind. I feel like I have some weird version of bi-polar disorder recently where my highs are just feeling anxious and my lows are feeling like I want to break down crying constantly.
I was sitting at my computer earlier playing a game and didnt realize my wife had noticed me looking at the clock constantly. I have been doing it obsessively the past few days, just watching the clock tick away minutes and hours. I felt kind of awkward at her pointing it out but Im sure it looks odd to see somebody constantly checking the clock. I took a shower this evening and while doing so the whole time I was thinking, "Well if Im lucky enough to live to at least 81, then I have two more life times ahead of me (counting a life time as the time Ive been alive so far)". Then I was thinking and trying to decide if that 'feels' like a long time or not. Also whether the first school year of my job went by fast or not, trying to gauge how fast years are going to go by. These thoughts are intrusive, obsessive and are just down right annoying. The only things that seem to help keep me somewhat okay are talking and being with my wife and daughter, playing games on the PC and taking a Klonopin and going to sleep. Although there is always much anxiety leading up to going to bed. I used to always say I never understood how people could kill themselves. Its such a drastic, irreversible action. That and my complete fear of dying just made it to where I couldnt fathom why someone would do that. I still dont know that I could do that myself, but Ive been to some dark places mentally and can almost understand why and how someone could feel so hopeless and empty that they just wanted it to end. Anxiety and depression can get overwhelming easily, and living in a near constant state of either orbboth Sitting here next to my wife in bed after midnight holding back tears and trying to keep a lid on the anxiety that is swirling within me. I don't want to wake her up because she has to get up for work, but I always feel so alone when I feel like this. For a long while I was doing better and thought I had these fears and intrusive thoughts at least somewhat under control. But these dark thoughts of the passage of time, of dying, of losing people I love and other similar things have being weighing heavily on my mind again recently. I keep getting thoughts and images of myself in my head, where I'm old and frail and looking back on my life and thinking that it went by too fast. And the post I read on the internet sometime ago that said something along the lines of, "With the same conscious mind I sit here with currently, I will one day experience the last moments of my life, my last breath as I slip into nothingness. All I am, my emotions, personality, everything that makes me.. me, gone forever. Only to be forgotten about as if I never existed at some point after that".
All of the intrusive thoughts about these things boggle my mind and terrify me. I tend to want to analyze things and wrap my head around them to help understand, but these things don't allow that, they just end up making me break down. I feel like instead I'm just trying to procrastinate and push the dark thoughts and emotions away only to have them lurk in the shadows waiting to re-emerge. But really, what is the alternative to it all? To live forever? That is terrifying in it's own way. There is no answer that I can see to these fears, but I don't guess that I'm really looking for one either. I Just feel like I'm on a train that is speeding towards an unfinished bridge with no way to escape. I feel trapped. A large part of me has and still wants to have a child to continue my "family legacy" but another part of me feels bad at the thought of bringing a life into what seems like such a cruel reality. I try to remind myself of the good and beautiful in the world to fight all the negativeness swirling in my mind and sometimes it helps but other times it's a struggle. At 26, I guess I am young but these thoughts and emotions cause me to feel old already, like I'm sliding downhill into the abyss before I've even had a chance to do anything with my life. I try to fight it, because all it does is not allow me to enjoy my day to day life, and if there is anything positive in what often seems like a cruel reality it is my family and the couple of friends I do have and the things I do with them day to day, no matter how mundane. If I could get my hands on a time control device and slow it all down that'd be the dream reality. Not to live forever, just a really long time. Of course even if that came true, I still feel the thoughts and fears would still be there. Well it feels like the klonopin has kicked in because I don't feel quite as on edge and have suddenly gotten more tired so hopefully I can finally sleep. If you are reading this, I hope you are doing well and maintaining your sanity as best as you can. |