Didn't realize stomach bugs could play a game of "ha just kidding!" until this morning. Yesterday I went back to work because I was feeling a good bit better. Then lastnight it decided to say "not so fast!" and I ended up in and out of the bathroom all night. I still got up and went to work figuring I could just tough it out. During my pre-trip on my bus though I was pretty pathetic, weak, stomach rolling and feeling like I was going to puke. My mom ended up telling me she thought I should call in and go back home because I didn't need to be driving while feeling like that. I eventually agreed and came back home and rested. I feel bad though having to miss days because of this stupid bug. My mom had it as well and drove today because she was feeling better but then this evening she ended up getting sick again, so it didn't just happen to me like that. Worse than all this crap though is the past couple days of this has got my anxiety and depression messing with me a bit. It's not as bad as it was a few months back by any means but it's noticeable enough to be annoying. Today I mostly rested and slept because that's all I could manage to do and after some negative dreams woke up feeling anxious/sad and ended up sitting there crying over crappy thoughts. I feel like I've made progress with my anxiety and what not over the past few months since I started taking the new medicine and hate the idea of regressing. The fact that my new psych doctor is adjusting my med dosages and wanting to start weening me off of the med I've been on for years probably doesn't help too much at the moment either though. I really need to call her and run all this by her when the office opens back up. I also have a physical appointment Monday and am going to ask about this chronic mucus, stuffiness that's been going on for weeks. I've thought about looking into some kind of therapy as well the past couple of days because like I said I really don't want to take steps backwards. Oh well, hopefully I can use the weekend to rest and feel better. I know in the past being sick has made my anxiety worse so hopefully feeling better will help somewhat too.
0 Comments
Well I ended up having my morning routes at work covered this morning because I woke up still feeling pretty crappy. I'm going to be going back this afternoon though since I'm feeling a bit better. I'm sure my kids miss me afterall, haha. I also need to call my psych doc and talk to her about my meds. This whole stomach bug thing the past day or so has got my anxiety, not horrible, but raised a bit. This bug definitely sucks. It went for my wife, to me and now my mom has it as well and she lives in a whole different part of the house. I'm just glad it only lasts a day or so. Now if I could get rid of this stuffy nose and coughing mucousy whatever this is that I've had for weeks, that'd be good. At least I have a physical appointment Monday so I can bring stuff up to my doctor that I need to. Of course I'd rather feel stuffy all the time than anxious anyday. Well I guess I better get cleaned up and ready to go back and disappoint my kids that I didn't quit afterall. Haha
My wife had a stomach bug yesterday, one of those 24 hour bugs that suck but usually don't last long. We've had them before but it's been a long while. I didn't think too much about it other than not wanting to get it. I woke up this morning and went to work as usual other than sleeping through my alarm which wasn't a big deal. Progressively through the morning to when I got back home though I started feeling pretty crappy. I tried to take a nap figuring maybe I was just tired. I woke up having to go to the bathroom rather quick though and was praying I didn't puke, I hate puking. I ended up having to call in and get my afternoon routes covered which I hated to do, but like my mother said, being stuck on the bus with no quick access to a restroom is a recipe for disaster. Everybody seemed understanding so I just rested and tried to not get sick again. I just checked my temp not long ago and it's 101 degrees F so not super high but it explains why I have been freezing even though it isn't cold in here to my daughter.
On top of that I'm a bit stressed about the psych doctor I started going to wanting to completely take me off of Effexor when I have been on it for so long. My brother is on both and they work good, and we usually react similar to medicine like that. His psych doctor told him that Zoloft can help Effexor work better if it starts losing it's effectiveness. I'm thinking about calling my psych doctor back and talking to her about not coming off of them since they have been working for a while now together. Of course today has stressed me out a bit but being sick does that. Everytime I start feeling crappy though I get thoughts of the articles I've read about stress/anxiety shortening your life and thinking "I'm so screwed". I'm also hoping pretty heavily that my kids weren't nuts today with the substitute cause I don't really want that reflecting badly on me. Oh well, I just hope this stomach bug is better by in the morning. It's going to be crazy enough being 25 or so degrees outside that early without feeling like crap on top of it. Haha Well it's December and my wife is freaking out in a happy way, because she likes this time of year. We have our tree up and have already started our shopping, you know, all the normal things. I've been on my new dosage of meds for a short time and I haven't noticed a difference really, but I haven't been freaking out so that's good. Re-started taking Vitamin D3 since I doubt I get enough of it since I'm not outside in direct sunlight much. Also am going to try and start taking magnesium since I've read a lot of good things about its effects on overall health including stress and anxiety. Also people taking it said it helped them relax at night and sleep better. I just know, since it comes from vegetables mainly and me not eating enough that I'm sure I'm not getting enough magnesium. It's kind of funny to me constantly trying to find new ways to keep anxiety and bad moods/thoughts at bay. It's like even when it's not seemingly actively affecting my life it still kind of is. I am just very thankful for my family, especially my wife and daughter as they help to get myself grounded and make it all worth it to me. Well it's Sunday night, which always comes too fast after the excitement of Friday night, so I guess I should get ready to wind down.
It's been quite a while since I've posted here and I had the urge so I figured why not. I've been working for the county/schools for what feels like quite a while now. It's definitely the longest, most steady job I've had. We have insurance including health, dental and vision now which is a huge plus. I've been taking field trips when I can get them to get extra money as well which helps out. We had a big Thanksgiving dinner together last week with my mother and brother which was nice because last year my mother was in the hospital on Thanksgiving. The weekends off, and various school breaks which mean work breaks for me are nice as well. I went to the psychiatrist office that I found recently as well and she adjusted my med dosages and prescribed me something to take as needed for sleeping. I feel like things are going pretty well, yet since yesterday afternoon I have felt the anxiety and worried thoughts creep back into the light a bit and it's bothering me. I have had coughing/congestion sinus and/or allergy issues for a couple weeks now and it's been quite annoying but my wife and I both have physical appts. soon so I was going to bring it up to my doctor when I see her if it still hasn't gotten better. Before that it was a smallish lump in my neck that I thought was a lymph node which still hasn't gone away but hasn't gotten any bigger/harder either so I didn't feel too worried about it, I was just planning on bringing it up to my doctor at the physical. I definitely had a bit of a rough morning today because I was up a lot last night coughing so I didn't sleep much. Of course all the coughing, lack of sleep, and what not still pale in comparison to the first hint of anxiety I felt come on. I'd rather cough my head off than deal with obsessive thoughts and anxiety/depression.
I layed in bed last night fighting with my mind on whether last new years when my wife and I went to a grill & bar place felt like a year ago. Yet the beginning of the school year when I first started and was being trained by one of our lead drivers feels like forever ago but was only a few months ago. Trying to recall how long ago something feels is pretty annoying and pretty pointless yet it never ceases to cause me much anxiety. The thoughts of the shortness/fleetingness of life and negative "whats the point, nothing even matters, I'll just be forgotten after I die (which feels soon btw)" type thoughts start creeping in. It makes it quite hard to live in the moment and find inner peace/calm of any sort with those type of thoughts in my head and the anxiety that they cause. I try to push them and out of my mind, but it is definitely not an easy feat. I do feel that I appreciate my job with this though as it gives me something to do and focus on other than stupid thoughts and anxiety. Just seeing my kids every day and how happy and absorbed in the "ignorance of childhood" they are makes me happy for them. It almost makes me wish I could go back to those years, but I love a lot of the things I have now and don't want to discount their worth to me. Well I guess it's time to eat and wind down for the night, but I wanted to post something first. I hope whoever reads this is doing well and I thank you for caring enough to read it. Woke up this morning feeling a bit anxious, with the thought of "OMG it's already been 10 days this month." fueling it. Which lead me to the thought of, "Go F yourself anxiety!". I don't know why I've been having morning anxiety here and there still, but at least it doesn't persist as much throughout the day. But hey, it's the weekend and it's nice to have some time to chill and play some video games. My wife's brother is also over this weekend for the first time in a while, so it's nice seeing him. I've been thinking about writing a short story or something like that recently about a fantasy type story I've been thinking about for a while. That sounds cliche I guess, the whole, "I'm going to write a novel!" thing. I like art, and think about learning to draw better, paint better and other things like that a lot, but never put any time into actually practicing and trying it. I haven't even gotten film for my camera I found at Goodwill yet, but will soon hopefully. I guess thinking about things is easier than doing them obviously. But I do love art. I have so many hobbies and interests on my mind all the time that I want to try out. It's kind of overwhelming at times, haha. I've been so tired in the week from work though, that I wouldn't be able to do any of it if I wanted to. I think it would be cool for my wife and I to take some drawing and painting classes sometime, so maybe we can do that. She's a much better artist than I am already, but it'd be fun I think. But for now, back to video games it is. My characters need leveling!
Most people, including myself, like movies and TV series a lot. I guess it serves as a distraction from how crappy and stressful our lives can be. I also think a lot of us really would like our lives to be like a movie or TV series in that everything gets wrapped up nicely, all problems resolved and everybody lives happily ever after. Of course we all know reality doesn't work like that, but it's nice pretending. I see news stories sometimes where an old married couple, who was married like 80 years died minutes or hours apart. They were both happy in their late lives according to their family. I guess this is as close as we get to "happily ever after" in reality, which is still a nice goal to hope for. Of course if you are truly faithful and religious then in your heart you believe in much more than what we see and know here on earth, so that would open up a lot more doors technically. I'm not an Athiest by any means, but I find myself questioning things too much to be very religious. I guess I would be considered an agnostic even though I don't really like labels for things like that. It is a nice thought though, thinking you go to a place after you die where you get to see every person you ever loved that died before you, even people you never met, like family members from before you were born. Of course I'd hope that would include pets you have lost as well. The thought of one day again being able to see my father simultaneously makes me happy at the thought, but want to cry because of the opposite thought that that will never happen. In a way I envy people I know who are so faithful and religious that they live on faith basically. Even if they are wrong, at least they were able to live their life a bit happier through that faith. And I mean it's always nice to hedge your bets while you can, eh?
One funny thing about anxiety that I've noticed is that it really turns thoughts negative. I can be anxious and thinking things I don't want to think and just feeling negative in general but then I'll calm down and the anxiety will dissipate a bit and I can notice an almost immediate shift in my thinking to more positive and reassuring thoughts. It's crazy to me how anxiety can affect thinking like that so readily. Also I can be feeling somewhat normal like this morning but have a thought that sends anxiety rushing into my chest and do a 180 in my emotions. But luckily this morning it didn't last that long. For now I'm going to enjoy my break and relax, because tomorrow I have to take my daughter back to the dentist for a couple fillings, so I won't get much of a break. Here's to living in the moment!
Before I started this job, I used to listen to my wife complain about Mondays and even though I understood why she hated them, I couldn't really relate. I mean what difference is the weekend or week when you don't have anything to do regardless of the day? Now I definitely can relate though, and understand why she always said the weekends aren't long enough. It doesn't help that I've been feeling like crap with whatever sinus problem I've been having this weekend, but yeah. After kids driving me nuts and having to be up at 5 AM every day, the weekend definitely offers a welcome respite. I don't hate my job or anything like that, but the kids and heat can make day to day pretty trying. I'm also getting paid in a day or so and most of my pay check is already basically signed over for money I owe, which I guess is another thing I've always heard people complain about that I'm learning first hand now. But regardless, that's money owed that's not being saddled on my wife alone, so it's still good.
I can't really decide if my days at work go by slower or faster than before I was working. Of course they go by at the same pace, but I mean how they feel like they go by I guess. I mean obviously the days where I slept super late went by faster since you don't experience time going by when asleep. Of course in a way having a routine and tasks/job to complete seems to make days go by smoother because I'm not sitting around bored. Of course they can feel like they drag a bit too because it's so hot and the kids are testing my patience. I really spend too much time thinking about this time passing crap. I'd love to be able to just live and let live without obsessing over uncontrollable things like that. I do think my medicine (Zoloft) is working, because I came across a rather depressing existential type post on Reddit that I feel like would have made me pretty messed up if I was like I was the other week. After all, a stupid post like that is what brought this anxiety on to begin with. I really need to learn to avoid those types of things. Maybe I'm secretly a mental masochist? Thing is, I know I'm not alone in these types of fears and worries, but most people seem not to dwell and obsess on/over it. Of course it definitely makes me understand how so many people get hooked on drugs and alcohol to cover up their sorrows. I mean of course, I guess that's really what drugs like Zoloft and Effexor do as well in a way, although they are actually supposed to help fix some chemical imbalance that leads to anxiety/depression etc. though I guess. But regardless, it seems most humans will do just about anything to escape from reality even if only temporary, and frankly I can't blame them. Well it's the weekend again and after what felt like a long week, it's welcome. Of course I'm feeling pretty guilty at the moment because I slept later than I wanted to. With the fact that I was up last night a lot because of a bad ear ache so I was super tired, you'd think I'd appreciate the extra sleep. It just makes me feel bad thinking about it though. I of course welcome the ability to sleep later on the weekends after having to get up at 5 all week, but still planned on getting up at least somewhat early until the ear ache kept me up. I guess it's all part of the anxiety over the 'time passing' crap. I did start taking my new dose of Zoloft (100mg up from 50mg) so hopefully it starts working even better. My wife and I also get paid in a couple days, and even though the majority of my check is already signed over for stuff I owe, that's still money that's not coming out of my wife's pocket. I almost go 'in trouble' at work Friday as I missed my morning appointment to have my bus at the shop for it's service. I got a message from my boss and had to leave early and rush down to the shop so they could do it before I had to be at my first school for my afternoon routes. That was pretty stressful but at least I got it done, because if I wouldn't have then I would have had a mark on my record of a missed service date. I'm not sure exactly what this entails but it doesn't sound good. Of course if anything was to make me go nuts in this job it'd probably be a tie between some of the kids and the heat. But I've made it this far, so I know I can make it further. Was finally able to get my daughter a new phone that she has been needing pretty desperately as her current phone barely works anymore. It's things like that that make me thankful to be bringing in money. She's also gotten to ride on my AM routes with me a couple of times when she had her doctor's appointments this past week and liked that. She'll actually be doing the same twice this next week because she has two more dentist appointments to fix some cavities. It's nice to be getting important things done like that, to me. I'm just trying to not let it get overshadowed by stupid anxious worries and bad thoughts, but thankfully it has become easier with the new medicine it feels like. But like I keep telling myself, just have to take it one day at a time. (While not freaking out about the day going by too fast. Haha)
|